“It’s been a long day without you, my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began. Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.”. (See You Again, Wiz Khalifa)
Since my sister passed a couple of weeks ago, inspired by people who heard the news and shared their stories, I have been thinking deeply about the grieving process.
When my father passed decades ago, grief was an ugly stranger that I chose to put in a corner and ignore. That initially didn’t turn out so well, but over the years, through various experiences, including mine personally and as a bereavement facilitator, I’ve learned to accept grief as much as a friend as any other emotion.
Sitting in a college class about death and dying in the 1980s, I was introduced to the five stages of dying explained by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I applied these to grief and dying and thought what she had to say was all bunk. How could death or grief be simplified into a series of stages? My mind was a tangled mess when my father passed, and every time there was a new death to grieve, my mind was a mess again. My curiosity was awakened, and so was my heart. I questioned the professor and challenged the material presented. I knew there was more to explore about the dying and grieving process. Indeed, the dying and grieving process is not as simple as following prescribed steps.
Here are truths grief has taught me.
- When there is loss, there is grief. It requires healing that no one can deny. How we heal is as individual as each situation.
- We grieve losses with which we are and are not intimately close; people and circumstances we don’t know — even those we don’t like.
- Light always exists in darkness.
- It is not in trauma we are to search for the meaning of life but in the healing. This is where we learn our lessons, come to an understanding, and expand our light.
- Each situation builds on the previous. Altogether, this is our life experience and our purpose.
- We learn to love our experiences and all their messiness.
- We don’t want to talk about stages or processes while grieving. We just want to talk and have someone listen. This is more than okay; it’s necessary.
- Loss is loss. It’s not a blessing, a test, or a contest. Our loss is the worst.
- Breathe through vulnerability.
- Every moment has meaning, and every moment stands on its own as a miracle.
Years after my class experience, I learned that Kubler-Ross expanded her perspective and stressed the five stages were descriptive, not prescriptive. She expressed frustration that researchers and presenters had misunderstood her intent. I’m grateful she had the courage to begin a discussion that has lasted past her death and initiated my healing.
None of us will likely be grateful for our loss, but we can find gratitude in the experience.
Of all the things I’ve heard and read on death, your words have been the most meaningful. I have been struggling with the recent loss of my father, and my mother’s passing last year— and the underlying anticipatory grief while taking care of them. “Moments and miracles” a good reminder.
Amie, your comment means the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to comment. My condolences extended to you on the loss of your mother and father. That’s a lot of grief all at once, and as you say, the anticipatory grief while caring for them adds another layer. Bless you, for sharing your love and willingness to care for your parents. – Lillian
Heartfelt condolences Lillian. I’m sending a little extra love and light your way today ❤️
Thank you, Seanna. I miss you. I hope you are doing well. Love and light shared back with you. – Lil
Lillian, I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. Hugs and prayers coming.
Thank you, Deb. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in sending hugs and prayers. – Lillian
Grief is personal. I can see the five stages with both large and small losses. Sometimes we choose to NOT progress to the next one. Healthy? Probably not, and we all make unhealthy choices in many areas of our life. I do think there is an introvert/extrovert dichotomy to a lot of this. As for introvert me, I will grieve quietly and hardly anyone – often no one at all – will even know of my loss. Most importantly, it seems, we must reach a point of peace with our choices. We cannot control the loss; we can control whether, and how quickly, we choose to find a “new normal.”
Hi Tom. Yes, grief is personal. While it isn’t the best to not work through it, you’re right, we sometimes can’t resist and hang on to it. It can be scary to let go. I think we have times while grieving when we want to be alone. I do think grief needs to be witnessed – that is, having someone to talk with who will just listen and not try to fix it. Reaching a point of peace is the ultimate. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.